improvement
people like to talk about improvement. how people should improve. i don't like any of that. well no, i do, it soothes me. i guess. the idea that anyone can get better, be better. but i hate to improve. to become a better version of myself. looking back, i'm always glad, glad to be better, to be less of a stain. but that's the problem. when you're always improving, when you're continuously making small improvements, small steps to be a cleaner person, you realize you're always one step away from being a stain. that just a moment back you were someone you don't want to be. you were always just a stain. hard to word that right. ugh. it's a bad thing to think about. ugh. in one more step i'll realize what's wrong with me now. in a moment i'll be a stain. and if i was just a stain, i'm still stained. i might have a clean core, but everything outside is dirty. and in one more step, my core will remain clean, but who i am right now will have the...