improvement

people like to talk about improvement. how people should improve. i don't like any of that. well no, i do, it soothes me. i guess. the idea that anyone can get better, be better. but i hate to improve. to become a better version of myself. looking back, i'm always glad, glad to be better, to be less of a stain. but that's the problem. when you're always improving, when you're continuously making small improvements, small steps to be a cleaner person, you realize you're always one step away from being a stain. that just a moment back you were someone you don't want to be. you were always just a stain. hard to word that right. ugh. it's a bad thing to think about. ugh. in one more step i'll realize what's wrong with me now. in a moment i'll be a stain. and if i was just a stain, i'm still stained. i might have a clean core, but everything outside is dirty. and in one more step, my core will remain clean, but who i am right now will have the core of a stain. how many years until the stain of my core no longer affects the body of who i will be. i don't think it really matters. i will have new stains, and my core will look clean, but it will dirty in one more step. i'm repeating myself but this cycle is repeating. i've seen it over and over and over and ugh. i don't like what i've written. i don't like what i've written here. i don't know how much the stains really matter, how dirty my core really is, how much dirtier it gets for every step i'm left behind. but i guess i won't be left behind, i won't be me anymore. and i guess that's comforting. and worrying. all this will be that guy's problem, not mine. but i want to be better. i don't want to be a stain. maybe one day i'll take a step and leave behind a me who's just as clean. i hope by the end of this walk, that the overall will be clean. that there will be more clean me's than dirty. that i will be the minority here, that i will be a forgotten stain. i know i can't be clean, i don't know how, but i'll know next step. see ya.